Three's company? No thanks. (new version)

I once dated someone who's "best friend" was a girl. She had once been his girlfriend. She was now married. With a kid. I knew they emailed and talked frequently, but did it bother me? Initially, not too much. Sure, I thought it was a little abnormal, but was secure enough in our relationship that I hardly considered it to be an issue of concern.

Come to find out later -in the final stages of our break-up - that he still had feelings for her. Suddenly, that hurt. Although it was over with us and it didn't really matter anymore, I started thinking about it a little more. Perhaps that was one of several factors that lead to our relationship not working out? If his heart was still with this girl, how would it have worked out anyway(assuming I had ever made up my mind and felt ready to move forward with him)? I suppose we both had our own stumbling blocks.

As we talked he told me about his past few weeks; what he'd been up to, how she had been in town visiting, and how good it had been to see her and play with the baby. From what I understood, her husband was on active military duty, so he wasn't around but was aware of their friendship and apparently okay with it (a bit weird, don't you think? Hmm).

Okay so I don't know a whole lot of people who still keep in touch with an ex that is now married. Is there anything wrong with hanging out with a married person? No, of course not. Is it wrong to spend solo time with an ex I still have feelings for....uh...probably. I have friends whom I may have liked once, who are now married. Every now and then we may say hello and catch up briefly, but you'll never see me going out to lunch with them or something unless the Mrs. is there. Even though there are no longer any feelings whatsoever, even if she totally doesn't care, it's simply the principle of the matter.


Freely emailing, chatting, calling, texting, etc is totally ok when people are friends or dating, but once one or both marry, that sort of interaction should end. I didn't come up with this idea, the Bible says so, and I find the Bible to be a pretty credible source. (See [Gen. 2:24], “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Once someone marries, maintain a friendship but keep it at an appropriate distance.

To back up my logic here, I was thinking about the scripture that counsels us to avoid the appearance of evil. I couldn't remember the exact reference so I looked it up and found this:

If you are married, be faithful to your spouse in your thoughts, words, and actions. The Lord has said: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else. And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out” (D&C 42:22–23). Never flirt in any way. As much as possible, avoid being alone with anyone of the opposite sex. Ask yourself if your spouse would be pleased if he or she knew of your words or actions. Remember the Apostle Paul’s counsel to “abstain from all appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22). When you stay away from such circumstances, temptation gets no chance to develop.

So am I just paranoid? Most people whom I unofficially polled on this said it was not cool. Hanging out while the spouse is away looks suspicious--regardless if 'nothing happens', it doesn't make a lot of sense. It just leaves the door for temptation open--if but a crack, why do that to yourself? Especially if one or both parties still have feelings for the other. I don't understand, what does it accomplish? Isn't keeping that friendship alive taking precedent over seeking your own companion? There are hundreds and thousands of stories where things started out small and innocent and before realizing what was happening, people found themselves in a sour situation.

The ironic thing about all this is that just before this conversation, we'd had a conversation about virtue. Interesting.

I'm not judging him or anyone. People can and will do what they want. I certainly don't claim to be perfect and have many flaws and weaknesses. I just felt like sharing this because we really can never be too careful.